After experiencing numerous relationships, including emotionally abusive ones and encounters with narcissists, I've come to recognize what I believe is the single most important predictor of a healthy relationship: consistency in authentic giving.
The Power of Authentic Giving
What do I mean by authentic giving? It's the difference between someone who gives from a genuine, loving place versus someone who gives from a manipulative, selfish place with hidden strings attached. The key to identifying authentic giving lies in the consistency of their actions.
When someone gives authentically, their behavior remains steady even through life's inevitable challenges. We all face stress, work pressures, and personal difficulties, but emotionally mature individuals can set these aside to be present for their partner. This consistency builds a foundation of trust and security.
Red Flags: The Jekyll and Hyde Pattern
The most concerning red flag is what I call the "Jekyll and Hyde" pattern – dramatic inconsistencies in behavior that leave you feeling confused and destabilized. For example:
Someone who's charming and sweet one week, then inexplicably angry and distant the next
A partner who enthusiastically participates in shared activities (like dance classes) only to suddenly claim they never enjoyed them
Individuals who are typically punctual and respectful of time, then randomly stand you up without explanation
These aren't minor mood fluctuations – they're drastic shifts that make you question your reality. When you find yourself thinking, "Wow, this person was a completely different person just yesterday," pay attention to that instinct.
Understanding the Control Dynamic
These inconsistent behaviors often aren't random – they're calculated methods of control. When someone acts in ways that leave you shocked or deeply disrespected without offering a genuine apology, it's usually intentional. These actions stem from deep insecurity and a need to maintain control through external manipulation rather than emotional maturity.
The Exception: Growth and Healing
There is one caveat to this rule: people who are actively working on themselves. Someone might have trauma from past relationships or be recovering from an abusive situation. These experiences can create inconsistent patterns, but what matters is whether they're:
Aware of these patterns
Actively working on healing through therapy or personal development
Taking responsibility for their actions
What Really Matters
It's easy to get distracted by surface-level indicators of a "good catch" – nice cars, expensive gifts, or grand gestures. But authentic giving isn't about material things. A partner might have limited financial means but show consistency through:
Emotional availability
Quality time
Reliable communication
Genuine care and consideration
Trust Your Nervous System
When someone's behavior is genuinely inconsistent, your nervous system will alert you. You'll feel unsettled, confused, and unsafe rather than peaceful. While relationships aren't always smooth sailing, the foundation should feel stable. If you're experiencing extreme highs followed by devastating lows, that's not passion – it's manipulation.
The Bottom Line
A healthy relationship isn't about constant happiness; it's about consistent peace and safety. When someone gives authentically, their actions align with their words, and their behavior remains relatively stable even during difficult times. If you find yourself in a relationship with dramatic inconsistencies where you're constantly left feeling depleted, discarded, and confused, it's time to recognize these patterns for what they are: red flags signaling an unhealthy dynamic.
Remember, true love doesn't leave you questioning your reality – it provides a stable foundation for growth, trust, and genuine connection.
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