When Someone Pulls Away: It's Not Your Fault

When someone in your relationship starts to pull away or disconnect emotionally, I want you to remember one crucial truth: it's not your fault. This is a message I feel passionate about sharing because there's so much misguided advice circulating online about this topic.

Debunking the "They Need Space" Myth

Much of the relationship advice out there focuses heavily on the person who's pulling away. We're told to be understanding because:

"They might be overwhelmed"
"They need space to figure things out"
"Men and women process emotions differently"

While there's a grain of truth to showing compassion, I want to be clear: in a healthy relationship, emotional disconnection should not be a regular occurrence.

Healthy Space vs. Unhealthy Disconnection

Let's distinguish between healthy autonomy and unhealthy disconnection:

Healthy space looks like:

Communicating clearly: "I need a day to myself"
Setting temporary boundaries: "I have a busy work day ahead"
Maintaining their personal interests: "I'm going to play golf with friends this weekend"

Unhealthy disconnection looks like:

Emotional withdrawal without explanation
Ghosting or ignoring you
Becoming aloof and distant
Significantly reducing communication
Making you feel abandoned

The Impact on Anxious Attachment

If you have an anxious attachment style, this type of disconnection can be particularly painful. When someone pulls away, you may:

Feel abandoned
Question your self-worth
Wonder what you did wrong
Personalize their behavior

Your body physically registers this disconnection as a threat, triggering your attachment system and causing genuine emotional distress.

The Push-Pull Dynamic

The "push-pull" dynamic is a common pattern in relationships where one person creates distance, then returns, only to create distance again. Many explanations try to justify this behavior:

"He's not ready"
"She's going through a lot"
"Now isn't the right time"
"He needs space to process his feelings"

But here's the truth: these are excuses for behavior that doesn't serve a healthy relationship.

What You Deserve

I want to refocus the conversation on what YOU deserve:

Consistency - Someone who shows up reliably
Communication - Even when it's difficult
Connection - Emotional presence even during challenging times
Respect - For your attachment needs and feelings

Moving Forward

When someone pushes you away, I recommend mentally preparing as if the relationship is over. This isn't about being dramatic—it's about protecting yourself.

If you immediately take them back without addressing the underlying pattern, you're likely to experience the same painful cycle again.

The worst situation for someone with anxious attachment is to be with a partner who repeatedly disconnects. This continually activates your deepest wounds around abandonment and rejection.

Final Thoughts

Let's debunk the myth that different genders need fundamentally different things emotionally. Both men and women have emotional needs and responsibilities in relationships. The issue isn't about gender—it's about emotional health and relationship patterns.

What matters most is refocusing on what you need and deserve. A pattern of disconnection is not healthy, and you deserve better.

Remember: It's not your fault, and you deserve consistent love.